Series of Firsts

When depression takes hold, life is a much bigger struggle that small things become a huge victory – getting out of bed in the morning, getting dressed, eating, taking a shower, cleaning even a little, small ordinary tasks…  And we take these as victories cause it means we haven’t given up on life.  We remember that we were happy and we can be happy again. And that’s where I am right now.  

I follow The Bloggess via twitter and she talks about depression and anxiety and honestly is one hilarious woman.  One of these twitter conversations about depression, a link/retweet was to someone who compared depression to weather (sorry I can’t remember the guys name).  He says that depression is real just as the weather is real but just like we have no control over the weather, we have no control over our depression (well there are drugs and therapy but sometimes that masks or just helps us deal i.e. those small ordinary tasks).  Often we have to hold on and wait.  Wait as others wait for the gray stormy clouds to roll away (although here in the desert it’s a happy view to see them roll in), we wait for our depression to roll away.  We may get a short period of clear weather and sometimes the clearness lasts longer.

My year thus far has not been stellar as stated in my previous post but other things have happened to which made it even harder to hold on.  Any sudden death of a loved one is hard but when its someone who had such a huge influence and impact on your life like a father, it hurts so much more.  And that’s who I lost, my dad.  My world shattered, hell my whole family’s world shattered (and we are still trying to piece our new world back together).  Simple tasks are impossible to even fathom (I wandered in circles trying to figure out what to pack). Thank goodness for friends and neighbors and co-workers who come in and help in whatever way they can (even if it means an over abundance of sweets… boy we got a lot of cookies and such).  

Display board I made for Dad's memorial - snippets of his life with his family

 Of course when something like this happens, all you want to do is get home instead I got stranded in Chicago due to serious rainstorms that flooded major portions of Chicago… and then wait for 7+ hours (and sis waited 5 of those hours with me) for my luggage to then find out that it got sent on to Madison after all…. I may have lost it at that point, tried so hard to keep my shit together but in such circumstances, one can only hold on for so long…. I got home and eventually had my luggage because of a sis who did exactly what dad would have done; retrieve me, despite the long drive (made longer this time due to the flooding).

Before Dad’s death, grandma (dad’s mom) had a stroke and she was doing okay for a 94 year old who just had a stroke… She had all her facilities about her, but had a hard time talking and couldn’t move much.  She was at the point that she could recover or not.  She would not recover.  She learned of her son’s death (dad was seeing her everyday after her stroke and well his death was all over the local news so mom and sis decided to tell her) and she fell apart.  So four days after her son, Sis and I saw her for the last time and she died while I hugged her for the last time.  We arranged to get her back to California (she was cremated) and I think I did what she wanted.  Granted at this time she’s just ashes and how would, ashes know but one still wants to honor our loved one’s wishes.

RIP Grandma... It was a perfect day at the beach.

I have never dealt with such heartbreaking hurt in my life.  Dad’s memorial may have been the hardest day I have ever faced in my life.  It also marked a change in our family, we have a new normal, and a series of firsts, firsts without Dad.  And the first being my 35^th birthday.  Hard to feel up to celebrate when just four days prior was Dad’s memorial… but a good friend of mine did take me out to dinner (nephew too).  And then the llama show which I mentioned in the previous post.  I did get gifts, they weren’t wrapped (well mom did wrap a late one that I just got recently).  Sis got me yarn to knit a sweater.  Actually I noticed the shopping bag of yarn and thinking mom was going to do something for the store, I asked what was going to be done with it.  Which she then handed it to me and ‘Happy Birthday…’ The family doesn’t need to hide my presents cause normally I’m not home in WI for my birthday…  They were just gathering my presents which mom then planned on wrapping them all and mailing it to me. Yarn did become a sweater – an awesome sweater in fact with buttons that mom got me.  Got the pattern for my bday last year from another knitter, hotazzknitter.   

Delancey Cardigan in Cascade Superwash 220

  I also got the most ridiculous present from my nephew… He likes to pick on me about my love of unicorns when I was young.

Ridiculous slippers from Think Geek

Recently it was the first Father’s Day without a living father… and our family will have a lot of firsts and friends/collogues who have lost close loved ones say yep the firsts are the hardest… seconds a bit better then it’ll just be random when it hits…  Grief is random really.  I was okay for a bit when I got back to Vegas.  Had a big to-do list, went back out to the field for a rotation… but then no work and my to-do list is much smaller which means no easy distractions…  But back to those victories in the small everyday tasks.  And even a little beyond that.  I started volunteering at the Nevada State Museum (link) where I’ll get to analyze artifacts like ceramics.  I get to expand my lab/collection skill set which I say is a good lovely thing. 

And the biggest thing that is helping me hold on during this gloomy time is friends and family.  It’s amazing what a difference it makes when you know that there are people that love and care for you and are there for you.  To distract, to be a shoulder, to be a network connection, to just be…. And for this I love everyone of them back. 

 

So that is my tale of woe… but also perseverance.  

Yes I do take lessons from Doctor Who... Been re-watching Doctor Who as of late... (this is from casualfanatic's tumble page for copywright type stuff)

New Year... New Beginnings....?

Normally for New Year’s one can make resolutions; to better oneself, change up one’s routine, try something new, do something for the greater good, etc.  And I had these plans…  I wanted to do more charity knitting (and crocheting), do more charity type activities in general, go to places I haven’t been (local counts), practice my crocheting and/or spindle spinning, ya get the idea…

But life had other plans… As you all know I am an archaeologist which can be an unreliable field… .  And according to Forbes, an Anthropology/Archaeology degree is the least valuable degree to get (beating out Philosophy!)  Archaeology I believe is greatly affected by current politics and what projects will move forward that require our services.  So what does this have to do with me specifically?  I was laid off in January cause the company I was working for did not have enough projects to keep me employed.  And I wasn’t the only one, other offices downsized as well and I know some of these people that were laid off and they are good workers but if there is no work there is no work… 

I have been working for a different company as a seasonal field tech which means a lot of time away from home but I’m working in my field.  I have been looking for a permanent job when I’m home and exploring other options for my career life.  As I said life had other plans... it did knock me down but after some wallowing (a weekend), I pulled myself together, figured out my finances and went from there and so far I'm doing just fine.  Could it be better?  Probably.  Am I going to get hung up by this?  Nope.

As for those resolutions I was planning for?  Well I have been doing charity stuffs – crocheted three snuggles for a local animal shelter; knitted a few preemie hats and plan on knitting more.  And I’m sure there will be other charity items I will do… 

 

I did add a resolution of not buying any yarn as part of my new budget (this doesn’t mean yarn isn’t coming in…) and really knitting from my stash.  There are a plenty of projects for me to work on and I’ve already gotten quite a bit done…  I have been practicing my crocheting – getting used to holding the yarn and getting the rhythm of it (see snuggles above). 

The Mojave Desert!

Awesome Arizona scenery

 Technically I have been to new places… (bonus of being an archaeologist), last November I worked in AZ and that was some stunning scenery I got to witness and currently been in new areas of the Mojave Desert.   

 I have checked out some local events here in Vegas that I haven’t done before, First Friday for example which was quite fun.  And recently went to an Alpaca festival.  And I’ve made new friends which is always a good thing. 

Alpacas!

Alpacas look silly after they've been sheared

Some other things have happened in my life but I'm not ready to discuss them in this forum yet so stay tuned! 

Liebster Award and over a year in Vegas!

Well since my sis aka Dragonfly7673 decided to nominate me for this and then said on her podcast I need to update... fiiinneee....(and I really can't nominate anyone, either been nominated or they have too large of a following but I will nominate my friend Kellee)
Honestly I've been horrible in updating this thing.  Its probably due to the fact that now that I live in a town where I'm out doing stuff, interacting with people I guess I don't feel the need to share here?  I mean I know there were a few of ya that would follow me but its not like I have this large fan base.

So what have I been doing here in Vegas?  Well there is work which this summer I have gotten to go out in the field (going out next week too!), mostly a lot of walking seeing if there is important cultural stuff that looks like this to the left.  That is obsidian or volcanic glass that is highly weathered and it was to be a point for a spear but the very tip broke. Otherwise I'm indoors sitting at a computer either doing data entry or report writing.... The job of an archaeologist is not nearly as glamorous as it sounds... No Indian Jones, Laura Croft, or River Song adventures....

Other activities?  Occasional go see a bout of roller derby.  Go to one of many Farmer's Markets in this town, museums, hiking, movies with friends, occasional trips to Cali like a trip to San Diego where I visited with a friend who I haven't gotten to see in quite awhile since I moved to Vegas and she moved back to San Diego. Including a picture of the Pacific that I took when I was in San Diego, the ocean really is one of my fav things about Cali...

I'm also having to figure out the whole single life thing... I was in a relationship for quite awhile and it did work for good portion of that time but with my move to Vegas, I changed, back to myself, and I even hope a better version of myself.  I do struggle with depression (and always will) but this new environment that I had the wonderful chance to move too has helped get me on a better mental path.  Definitely been bumps and there always will be but sometimes this can effect ones relationships for better or worse. In this case it was better if we went our separate ways.  We weren't doing each other any good.  But now I'm a single girl in Vegas... Past few months have been about getting a routine and such that is suited to me, explore on my own, enjoy my friends, etc.

And of course knitting... since I moved to Vegas, I have knitted a crap ton of knitting - not being stressed out from my job has done wonders for my knitting mojo!  Now not going to show all my projects that I've done in the past year and beyond (Check out my rav page for that if you'd like).  I will showcase my favorite project of last year.  It was the My Wish pattern my Laura Linneman that was in conjunction with Lynn Zimmerman's fundraiser for the Make a Wish Foundation (which she is doing again so check out her webpage here for more info! including another pattern by LaLa! and there are prizes!).  I posted on plurk two color choices a year ago and I got a split decision my sis said that the autumn colors reminder her of our G-dmother... Mother Yarden being a knitter herself (more so in her younger years) has admired my knitting (& teases me cause I always have it with, course she also knows when I'm staying with her, I always have something to keep me occupied).  I haven't knit her anything so why not?  And it turned out gorgeous and she loved it and mom & sis loved it.  Dad said Mother Yarden will like anything I make her... not helpful dad. Pictures are below, overall shot and a close-up of the edge.  The orange is knit picks standard sock in Pumpkin, the variegated - I have no idea.  It was in my stash, its sock weight and it went with the Pumpkin... so there ya go. The shawl is quite large but it gets chilly in Long Beach during the winter evenings so it does get used.

And now I'll move on to another fundraiser being conducted by my sis.  She will be participating in the Susan G Komen Race for the cure and she has prizes and such lined up and you can read about it all on her podcast/blog.  I will be donating a shawl as one of the prizes. I will be test knitting a shawl designed by one of my local knit gals.  She is in the process of designing the pattern for the Little Miss Hannah Foundation so all proceeds of her pattern will go to this foundation.  And with her blessing I will be donating the completed test knitted shawl as one of the prizes for sis's podcast. This way I hope I can help get funds to both causes! So keep your eye out! hmmm guess that was a blip about two fundraisers...

Okay one last thing - new yarn store in Vegas!  Sin City Knit Shop Opened a couple of weeks ago, its a cute cottage feel shop with plenty of space for knitters to gather in the back half of the shop.  She carries knit pick needles including the new sunkissed ones and knitter pride's crochet hooks which feel pretty awesome even though I'm not a crocheter...  She is working on type of yarns to carry so if you have suggestions or what your fav LYS carries, let me know via email (mojaveknitterATgmailDOTcom) or comment on the blog.  She has Malibrigo, she wants Mod Tosh but there is a huge waiting list, I believe she will be carrying 3 Irish Girls.... and for the standard stuff she has Berroco and Cascade.

Getting settled in my new place....

Okay-not a fan of gambling, don't go 'clubbing' and the shows are a bit out of my budget. Vegas was never on my list of places to move too.... but it is a HUGE upgrade from where I was. Once you are away from downtown-you could be in any suburb in the SW or southern CA or the Inland Empire of CA.... I have a Trader Joe's near me (actually TWO), way more choices of restaurants in my neighborhood than ALL of Barstow... A knitting shop 10 min away! (Gail Knits btw), in general there is STUFF.

Condo is much better than my last apt. In space that is (I actually had a pretty good apt in Barstow-just was tiny) I can have things organized and accessible here.... like crafts and my yarn! The joys of a second closet..... Bought sweater closet things-perfect for organizing yarn (by color theme of course....)

Also the benefits of a larger place-I can block lace! And keep kitties out! Used my master bedroom this time around since it has nothing in it cept a pile of clothes.... (btw this is part of the Keegan Lane's 'A Club for All Seasons-this was the summer edition called 'Home Team.' Knitted it up into the Kernal scarf)
























And of course my kitties have room to roam and zoom and dart (stairs are good for that....) and check out the new scenery

Holy crap I'm behind....

A LOT has happened.... The biggest news is that I'm moving to Vegas! No more Barstow for me! New job-new company-new environment. Will be doing much of the same work I have been doing but its good to experience different things in different places. Will be renting a condo 10 min away from my new job - nice bright living rm below.... and yes it DOES have a fireplace... pretty fancy....

There has been a fair amt of knitting but since I haven't posted for over a year.... Will never catch up showing the projects here. Haven't even gotten all of them loaded up onto Ravelry....

WWKIP 2009!

I went somewhere where there were other knitters! I sat and knitted while other knitters knitted! Okay I don't get to do that here...

Finally got up to Bakersfield to meet up w/the once a month Saturday gathering normally at DoubleTree. It was the Kings-Tulare-Kern group of Ravelry and Suzanne did a lovely job organizing the outing including personalized nametags!

She also brought this community blanket-everyone and anyone can knit on it and as you can see 4 people knit on it at the same time-pretty cool.... It will be donated once its completed.... There are more pics of the gathering at the group's Flickr page

Trip to the beach....

BF & I decided to go to the beach on Sunday... He went into the water, I only dipped my footsies (54 degrees is too gosh darn cold!). Actually I am quite happy just to sit and watch the waves....


Timmy about to get ready to Boogie Board....

Wind Surfing is quite popular... fun to watch...